I’ve struggled a bit to write this post. You know, with whether to share or not. But since gaps will soon appear, and I disclose a bit about the trajectory of my life on a pretty over-sharey and consistent basis, I kinda have to. Just to not appear gappy, I guess.
I’m also feeling a little ashamed. Shame, hey. It’s the most alien of emotions. Most of our personalities are in fact the cruddy layers with which we mask our shame. Unmasking is to get naked and squirm in the breeze. To be without our fun! brash! personalities. To be just plain, old ordinary us.
You see: I bang on virtuously about all the healthy stuff that I do. Noticed? I’ve also shared that I’m writing a book. And in the past few weeks, both have come a little undone. My health has taken a nosedive. My thyroid has arked up again – it’s tired of the pushing. And, as always, it’s done so because I needed to be told. And so my book has had to be put on hold while I stop, recalibrate, listen. And begin the slow process of going back to me.
Which feels shameful. And a lot like failure. When I let it be seen that way.
I’ve done this many times before. I know what to do now. Hey, I bang on about it on this blog all the time!! Much of the decision to stop and recalibrate is about me “being my message” and not just preaching it. And actually living the only life I will ever want to live.
The truly wonderful thing in all this is that this (temporary) unraveling has, as always, reminded me of what this life I want looks and smells like. Being unwell does this. It pulls into sharp view the vulnerability of life. We could go any time. So, FUCK IT, let’s get real and raw and shed the layers!! Cut to it, Sarah!! Live it…CRUDLESS!!
Right now, listening to Joan as Police Woman, I’m reminded of Mary Oliver’s The Journey:
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.
For thyroidy types, I’d love to just share that we are lucky. We get these taps on the shoulder when we are not being true and determined. Take comfort in this. I’d been pushing too hard. And life shouldn’t be pushed. It should be accompanied. I’ve been tapped.
To be frank, I’d got to a point where I was finding it difficult to walk 3-5 afternoons a week. No, 4-6 afternoons, and many mornings. And my various organs and hormones and bits and pieces had ground to a halt. I was inflamed to buggery. Which is just dumb, right. It took lying in a hotel room at 4am on my own, unable to move, aware I hadn’t slept in weeks, to get clear. NOT WHAT LIFE’S ABOUT. I’d been pushing square pegs in round holes. Sometimes it takes a while before we see that this is what is going on.
Stop. Recalibrate. Listen. Heal. Know. Feel. Get loose again. Come back to me. Then continue.
The decision was suddenly very clear and within days everything released. Seriously, in a matter of a week or so I was feeling better. Stacks better. Cruddy layers fell off and things started flowing again. Wonderful men stepped forward (thank you T and D). Kind people popped up offering to help me (thank you Chris). Fresh opportunities. Things that were all a bit crazy and hey, what the heck-ish. And I felt free again.
This matters more than anything. Feeling loose and free and like I’m elegantly accompanying life in my own Sarah way.
And so, as you read this, I’m off to New Zealand to ride a bike in fresh air for a bit. Albeit slowly. And I just ordered in a pretty special Nikon Coolpix (waterproof, mountainbikeproof, in orange) and so will be reporting back with some decent photos for a change.