• Do you want to be right or to love? I’ve had reason recently to visit this idea again. A most powerful idea, beautifully brought to us by Rumi. Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. More than six years ago I wrote about the idea in detail. I’d read a New York Times Modern Love more
  • suffering for existence The opening line to Graham Greene’s The End of the Affair is thus: So Graham Greene. I love his pared-back writing. He plonks the squirmy bits about life and relationships on the page via characters who are invariably flawed in quite banal ways. I find he treats his characters like Agatha Christie does a plot, more
  • what struggle do you want in your life? I have a friend. Let’s call him Dick. He’s a challenge. But then so am I. But the thing is, the more he’s a challenge, the more I love him. I have to struggle at times to hold his energy, to ride his emotions, to apologise to the waiters that he’s rude to. But the more
  • Let’s go about this slowly (I’ll tell you why) Poet Mary Oliver does it for me. Have you read any of her work? She places her observations of the heart so delicately that the words disappear and a wistful truth remains. Here’s something from her recent compilation Felicity: Poems that makes me glad: I did think, let’s go about this slowly. This is important. more
  • Some advice for anyone who’s recently left a relationship English poet and philosopher David Whyte was once called on to give a friend some advice. This friend was in the middle of leaving a relationship. I’ve been there – in the position of counsel. Mostly it takes me straight back, like riding down a razor blade, to the times I’ve had to leave love myself. I don’t more
  • I’m glad I’ll be old when I find love I’ve come to a lot of peace lately (the last year or two) with my singledom. There are a number of themes that have emerged and informed this stable, quiet, happy place. I’ve explored a few before here and here. But recently I’ve realised this, with hindsight: I haven’t trusted myself to love another in the more
  • I’ve been a hypocrite and I need to move on I’ve been ready for a slap. It’s been building up. I’ve been too seductive. I needed to be knocked back to earth. Last week, in the midst of the slap-down-I-needed-to-have, my mate Dan Buettner posted a quote on Instagram from the Health Matters conference he was speaking at. He cited Bill Clinton, who spoke at the conference: more
  • Debating doing the 8-Week Program? Here’s how it’s helped others I get asked regularly about the benefits of quitting sugar. Personally, quitting sugar has helped me a tremendous amount with my autoimmune disease. While a lot of you ask regularly about the weight loss component – sugar does help you shift weight if you need to (I lost weight I’d put on as a result of more
  • Buy Experiences, Not Things Things have always made me unhappy. They bog me down. I prefer the lightness of experiences. They breeze in and out and through me. I don’t have to store them in a wardrobe. They don’t tumble down on my head when they’re stuffed into the top cupboard. They can just come for the ride and more
  • A comforting note to single people. From me. This is a thing: if you’re single in your 30s or 40s you can feel like you’ve missed a steamin’ big ship. Dominant discourse, sadly, goes like this: The pickings are slim; it’s all second rounds and baggage and receding hairlines. And it can feel helpless. Hopeless. Because you just can’t find people who fit more
  • I’m an online dater and it changed me There are a few things you learn when you do online dating. You learn about the different faces of humanity’s heaving, aching loneliness. You learn just how lonely you are. You learn about the opposite sex. You learn about how much your ego can take (from the incessant rejections; on most sites you’re alerted to more
  • It’s better to fall in love later I keep coming up with theories on love. It’s a theme in my life. I’m of that age where it strikes everyone around me as odd that I should be single. A real estate agent on Saturday proclaimed he thought it was profoundly weird I wasn’t married. “I mean, you keep yourself fit, so why more
  • my interview with Nicholas Sparks on what makes love work This week in Sunday Life I discuss The Notebook If you ever find yourself in the laundry at a party skewered against the tub of stubbies by some eye-glazing, go-nowhere conversation, try this tactic. Ask everyone’s thoughts on The Notebook. In my experience everyone has a take on this 1996 novel, turned into a film more
  • this could be why you’re 30-something and single…and OK about it This is a doozie of an article that I just read in The Atlantic. We all like chatting about this stuff: the disconnect between men and women today and the peculiar place both single men and women in their 30s are in. It’s such a HUGE issue and we all try to grapple with the more
  • when you’re the “somebody that they used to know” Today. This. Dedicated to Pete. [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY&feature=youtube_gdata_player[/youtube] I saw Gotye play live a few months back. The most sublime experience. He played about six or seven instruments during the gig, dancing between each one. It was a dance, I tell you! More than six million people have viewed this on Youtube, so apologies if you already more
  • what’s your definition of the perfect relationship? I’ve been thinking about this a bit. In part to understand what I’m seeking. In part to understand my friends’ relationships…some of which I don’t fully…get. I used to believe there was a One. I now believe arranged marriages can often produce better relationships than when we’re left to our devices. We create our love, more
  • “The invitation”: my favourite treatise on love. Today I simply share this. A poem by Oriah. I’ve been thinking a lot about the kind of love I seek in my life. And then someone recited this to me. I found it interesting to read the poem as a message to myself, rather than as something I impose on to an “other”. It’s more
  • continuing the single women v single men debate: who should take the driver’s seat? On Tuesday I posted about how and why pursuing career puts women on the back foot when it comes to love and partnering. Ergo stacks of “successful” women are single. I made all kind of generalisations about male-female behaviour – which I don’t back away from. Many of you made a lot of great comments. more
  • why having a good career leaves women single: explained with a study I wrote about the “special problem of intelligent women looking for love” a little while back. It picked up on what a lot of us are noticing. That women, despite being informed to the contrary, can’t have it all – career, kids and a frightfully successful career. Mostly because it means doing it all. Which more
  • sunday life: in which i learn how to fix a relationship breakdown This week I play relationship games I’ve just found a word to describe one of the most spleen-tearing, devastatingly destructive relationship scenarios a soul can ever face.  If you’re old enough to read this, you’ve no doubt been there. You’ve stood opposite someone you love, mired in a fight (about wet towels on the floor?) more
  • strong women: do you need a knight or a king? This Psychology Today article that gives a rundown of the type of relationship strong, career-orientated women want now hits  nails on heads for me. It makes a number of strident and true points. I’ve added my own thoughts to the mix too: * “There is a new type of male/female relationship forming in our culture more
  • sunday life: in which i learn the beauty of not being right This week I choose to not be right (and find beauty in a field beyond right and wrong). Ever been stuck in a toxic relationship rut? I mean really stuck. Perhaps it was with a spouse, a partner, or your boss or neighbour.  An issue arises, they react aggressively, you react just as primitively to more
  • lady ga ga’s tattoo: an inspiration (!) I never thought I’d find solace on the inside of Lady Ga Ga’s arm. But there you go. She got this tatt done at some late-night Japanese ink parlour…quoting her favourite philosopher Rainer Maria Rilke: In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. more
  • some happy relationship maths (and proof every woman needs a plumber) A couple of new UK studies out today have boiled down relationship success to a few simple stats. Totally fascinating, albeit overly generalised, stuff! (Anyone love relationship generalisations as much as me?) The spurious figures: * Women should be 27 per cent more intelligent: Of the 1,074 couples looked at aged between 19 and 75, more
  • sunday life: in which I ruin my relationship prospects Last week I mentioned I visited a shaman in Bali. The reaction from everyone was, did he dress like Sandy from Monkey (skulls around neck, carrying a staff), and what wisdoms did he impart. To the first, no, he wore shorts and plastic sandals and we sat in his kitchen as kids and cats run more
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